Saturday, October 16, 2004
Take that, Satan
Raise your hand if you worship the Devil. Come on now, be honest. Now raise your hand if you celebrate Halloween. I should be seeing the same hands, you goddamn pagans.
Confirming that I, indeed, live in the Twilight Zone, the city council in Baker, La., our fair neighbor to the north, is considering banning Halloween. Is it because of safety issues or an overextended police department? No, it's because of the "anti-Christian values" of the holiday. Little-known fact: a 5-year-old dressed as Sponge-Bob is actually a vessel for the Dark Lord and looking into the child's eyes will inject you with Satan's filthy seed.
Well, it's true, so get wise.
At a recent meeting of the Baker city council - the same city council that already changed Halloween from Sunday, Oct. 31 to Thursday to avoid interfering with the Lord's day - some councilmembers said they are going to push for a resolution to ban Halloween from their city next year.
Baker City Councilman Charles Vincent called Halloween a Satanic celebration in print, but his fellow-councilman, Fred Russell on-upped him (and don't think the Lord didn't notice):
""We are a Christian city," Russell said. "Jesus is lord over Baker." (I swear to Fred Russell's God that is a quote pulled from the front page of The Advocate).
Confirming that I, indeed, live in the Twilight Zone, the city council in Baker, La., our fair neighbor to the north, is considering banning Halloween. Is it because of safety issues or an overextended police department? No, it's because of the "anti-Christian values" of the holiday. Little-known fact: a 5-year-old dressed as Sponge-Bob is actually a vessel for the Dark Lord and looking into the child's eyes will inject you with Satan's filthy seed.
Well, it's true, so get wise.
At a recent meeting of the Baker city council - the same city council that already changed Halloween from Sunday, Oct. 31 to Thursday to avoid interfering with the Lord's day - some councilmembers said they are going to push for a resolution to ban Halloween from their city next year.
Baker City Councilman Charles Vincent called Halloween a Satanic celebration in print, but his fellow-councilman, Fred Russell on-upped him (and don't think the Lord didn't notice):
""We are a Christian city," Russell said. "Jesus is lord over Baker." (I swear to Fred Russell's God that is a quote pulled from the front page of The Advocate).
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Please please please don a devil costume and go scurrying around their neighborhood! I will pay you in liquor.
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